Be A Shitty Meditator Like Me
I’ve meditated for 10–30 mins most days for a few years.
The first one to three minutes are awesome. Each breath seems exquisite. Everything calms down. There is no place I’d rather be than completely focused on my breath.
Just when I start to think I may be on the brink of true enlightenment, all hell breaks loose.
My mind becomes a careening car from one of those sit-down driving games at an arcade, constantly overcorrecting, running over grandmothers because I swerve to avoid trees. I try to keep my attention on the breath, but it usually only holds for a few seconds. Next thing you know, I’m wondering if I should try boiling my eggs for 4 mins vs. 5 mins to get the yolk the right amount of softness….or worse, sleeping.
And I’m like, “How the fuck did I get here? I thought we were meditating!”
Sound familiar? You might be tempted to think this makes you a shitty meditator and that it’s just not for you. But it actually makes you an awesome meditator.
Every time you notice that you have lost attention to your breath, you are building the noticing muscle. Every time you bring the attention back, you are building that bring-attention-back muscle.
People who are able to maintain their focus well in meditation either already have those muscles built up or they just don’t get to work them as much. So, you are lucky!
These are some of the most useful tools for everyday life. You are building the capacity to notice and recover from the thought forms that sidetrack you every day.
Each time you drift and catch yourself it’s also a great time to practice being kind to yourself for being imperfect. Because let’s face it, you are often not perfect and you often add insult to injury by being hard on yourself. You can notice that tendency in meditation and try practicing being kind instead.
Don’t forget to also be kind to yourself when you catch yourself forgetting to be kind to yourself. (Actually, you’ll forget to catch yourself not being kind. It’s cool.)
I like to think of my mind like a kitten who keeps wondering off. It’s my job to just be patient and lovingly bring the kitten back to the blanket. I’m not going to get mad at the kitten. It’s just a kitten, it doesn’t know any better. Our minds are like that too.
Sometimes after I’m done with a particularly shitty meditation I look back and laugh at what a train wreck that session was.
But here’s the thing, even when I have a particularly unfocused session, it has a subtle but profound impact on how I orient to the challenges and joys of that day. I’m calmer, less attached to my initial way of seeing things, more able to accept reality, kinder to myself and others.
So, please join me in being a shitty meditator. It’s worth it.
