Remembering bell hooks

About six years ago I fell in love.

It made me curious about the phenomenon of love. What is it? Why is it so compelling? What is it made of? I read things from monks, poets, neuroscientists, and mystics.

When I was at a meditation retreat at Tassajara Zen Center I wondered into the bookstore and came across the book All About Love by bell hooks. Flipping through a few pages in the bookstore, I realized this book was different than anything else I had read.

It was personal without being sentimental. It was both incisive and poetic. It was critical without being cynical. It was hopeful and inspired without being pollyanna.

The idea of love as verb truly fleshed out. How messed up conceptions of power and punishment as children impact our conception of love as adults.

And without veering too far into the self-help genre or the memoir genre she offers a path to reclaiming love in all its forms.

I didn’t know who bell hooks was when I started reading that book. It was only from people’s comments who saw that book in my hand did I begin to realize what a potent historical force bell hooks was.

I didn’t agree with everything I read in that book and since. I’m not a radical leftist so I found myself cringing at the usual places you’d expect. I felt that she made such general sweeping assertions about what it means to be male or female in this society that sometimes felt like a century old and didn’t appreciate the progress that has been made. I also thought she had a tendency to flatten and reduced the true rich tapestry of lived experience into a societal narrative that sometimes seemed to be more of a reflection of her own experience being projected onto the world at large, but presented with a professorial certainty that gave it the patina of authority.

But perhaps much like hooks’ critiques, my critique of some of her ideas is evidence that I’m engaged with the material and my own truth telling about it.

I was made more whole by being simultaneously stretched, contradicted, and affirmed. It felt like an honor to be initiated into a much more nuanced world of concepts to understand love. Especially, the idea that how we make sense of love infuses almost every decision we make.

When I heard that she had passed at 69 it struck me. Most of the legends who have passed recently have been over 80. And both my parents are over 69. Something felt unfair about her dying at 69. I immediately did the math and realized that if I had the same fate I would die in 25 years. It reminded me that tomorrow is promised to none of us — so love now. Then I started thinking about the power of temporality to heighten our motivation to love. That took me back to the world of ideas she kind of introduced me to.

In reading the obituaries many people are posting after her passing, I also found it interesting to learn that she was never married and never had kids but wrote some of the most insightful things on both parenthood and love. Imagine how much less interesting this world and my world would have been if instead of putting her ideas out there into the world she listened to an inner critic that said “you can’t contribute meaningfully and critically on the topics of love and parenthood when you are not married and don’t have kids.”

That’s leading me to wonder in what ways do I allow my singlehood, childlessness, and other identities keep me from sharing what might be a valuable contribution. Indeed, pushing “publish” on this piece of writing right here feels like a victory over that very inner critic.

Rest in peace, bell hooks. Thank you for the courage you mustered to let your gifts flow out into the world so we can all uplevel our love game.

SOME OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM ALL ABOUT LOVE

“Young people are cynical about love. Ultimately, cynicism is the great mask of the disappointed and betrayed heart.”

“To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.”

“Being loving does not mean we will not be betrayed. Love helps up face betrayal without losing heart. And it renews our spirit so we can love again.”

“Only love can heal the wounds of the past. However, the intensity of our woundedness often leads to a closing of the heart, making it impossible for us to give or receive the love that is given to us.”

“But many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”

“When men and women punish each other for truth telling, we reinforce the notion that lies are better. To be loving we willingly hear the other’s truth, and most important, we affirm the value of truth telling. Lies may make people feel better, but they do not help them to know love.”

“Love was always and only about good feeling. In early adolescence when we were whipped and told that these punishments were ‘for our own good’ or ‘I’m doing this because I love you,’ my siblings and I were confused. Why was harsh punishment a gesture of love? As children do, we pretended to accept this grown-up logic; but we knew in our hearts it was not right. We knew it was a lie. Just like the lie the grown-ups told when they explained after the harsh punishment, ‘This hurts me more than it hurts you.’ There is nothing that creates more confusion about love in the minds and hearts of children than unkind and/or cruel punishment meted out by the grown-ups they have been taught should love and respect. Such children learn early on to question the meaning of love, to yearn for love even as they doubt it exists.”

“We fear that evaluating our needs and then carefully choosing partners will reveal that there is no one for us to love. Most of us prefer to have a partner who is lacking than no partner at all. What becomes apparent is that we may be more interested in finding a partner than in knowing love.”

“How different things might be if, rather than saying “I think I’m in love,” we were saying “I’ve connected with someone in a way that makes me think I’m on the way to knowing love.” Or if instead of saying “I am in love” we say “I am loving” or “I will love.” Our patterns around romantic love are unlikely to change if we do not change our language.”

“When we reveal ourselves to our partner and find that this brings healing rather than harm, we make an important discovery — that intimate relationship can provide a sanctuary from the world of facades, a sacred space where we can be ourselves, as we are. . . . This kind of unmasking — speaking our truth, sharing our inner struggles, and revealing our raw edges — is sacred activity, which allows two souls to meet and touch more deeply.”